


All the well-meant advice

by epithalamium



Category: Free!
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, The quest for the perfect condom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-10
Updated: 2014-06-10
Packaged: 2018-02-04 03:45:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1764431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epithalamium/pseuds/epithalamium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'I—Nagisa-kun, you don't understand,' said Rei, in injured tones. 'Picking what flavour of condom to put on my private parts is a very difficult selection process.' After a pause, he added, 'Aiichirou-kun thinks I should choose something cute.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	All the well-meant advice

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [a writing meme from tumblr](http://eatingfireflies.tumblr.com/post/88372174674/785-hey-dont-blame-me-picking-what-flavor-of-condom). Send me a pairing and a Text from Last Night, and I'm gonna write a drabble or ficlet about it. 
> 
> I got: Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process - Reigisa 
> 
> I've never written anything for this pairing before, so be easy on me! orz

He'd left Nagisa outside--even though he could really use some company right now--because having his purchases checked out in the presence of the reason for said purchases was just too much. The girl in the counter would probably give them weird looks. Or, even worse, GIGGLE.

But this was most definitely not the time for dawdling in front of a shelf-ful of condoms. Concentrate, Rei.

The problem was there was just too many to choose from: the thinnest condoms in the world, fruit-flavoured ones, cute packaging; you name it. How can one possibly decide? 

It was a very serious thing to consider. Rei needed help. He needed ADVICE.

As soon as the thought occured to him, he saw a familiar face walking along the snacks aisle.

'Rin-san!'Rei waved Rin over to where he was standing. Rin didn't look particularly pleased to walk away from the onigiri shelf, but he did answer Rei's summons. With a grumpy look on his face, true, but that was pretty much Rin's default setting, so Rei didn't pay too much attention.

'What?'

'I didn't know you went here,' said Rei, stalling for time while thinking of a way to bring the subject of condoms up without sounding like a total pervert. It was probably a lost cause, but one never knew.

'Didn't know?' said Rin, raising an eyebrow. 'Look who's talking. This place is closer to MY school than yours.'

That was certainly true. Rei had chosen this particular convenience store with that fact in mind, in the hopes of not running into anyone he knew. Fortunately for him, life didn't work that way.

'Is, er, Aiichirou-kun with you?' 

'Yeah.' Rin's eyes narrowed. 'Why?'

Rei couldn't help it. He took a step back. 'I was just asking?'

'Well, he's here. Did you need anything?' 

'May I ask you for condom recommendations?' 

And that was out. Rei was sure he could have handled the situation better, but to be honest he just wanted to let out a sigh of relief.

Rin was about to walk back to his precious onigiri, but at hearing Rei's question he turned back so fast Rei could practically hear the wind going 'whooosh'.

'WHAT?'

'Condom? Recommendations?' Rei tried to keep his voice calm and collected, hoping Rin would get the hint and tone down.

'Why the fuck would you ask ME?' Rin was blushing. Interesting.

'Because you're here and I need some advice,' said Rei.

Rin looked like he was going to shout, but he took a deep breath instead, seemed to calm down a bit, and, 'NITORI!'

Rei was getting worried. This was certainly more than he'd bargained for. Was Rin going to show him demonstrations? 

'Er, Rin-san--'

'What is it, senpai?' Too late. Aiichirou was already walking towards them, a basket filled with snacks and drinks in one hand. 

'Rei wants to know if you can recommend condoms.' Rin seemed to choke a bit when he mentioned condoms, but Rei pretended not to notice. 

Aiichirou tilted his head to one side, his face as sombre as if Rin had asked him to help Rei decide on choosing a degree for university. It was rather soothing to have someone treat the question with the gravity it deserved.

'YOU look like a [Blood-Type-condom](http://www.asianoffbeat.com/Top10Lists/197030549_a2e1076655.jpg) type, Rei-kun,' said Aiichirou, finally. 'But if you're looking for something that pleases your partner as well, maybe something else would be better? Something cute, maybe? [Koala bear condoms](http://www.asianoffbeat.com/Top10Lists/Japan%20Condoms.jpg)? Fruit-flavoured ones?' 

'Are we done yet?' said Rin. 'I'm starving.'

'Thanks, Rin-san, Aiichirou-kun,' said Rei, to Rin and Aiichirou's backs. Aiichirou was nice enough to turn around and give Rei a little wave. 

Rei was once again perusing the condoms being offered when his mobile rang. 

'REI-CHAN WHERE ARE YOU? YOU'VE BEEN THERE LONG ENOUGH TO BUY A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF CONDOMS SURELY?'

'I--Nagisa-kun, you don't understand,' said Rei, in injured tones. 'Picking what flavour of condom to put on my private parts is a very difficult selection process.' After a pause, he added, 'Aiichirou-kun thinks I should choose something cute.'

'Ai-chan is there?!'

'He just left. With Rin-san. Didn't you see them?'

'I must have missed them,' said Nagisa. Rei could practically hear him pouting.

'Maybe if you have any particular preferences?' said Rei.

'I know,' said Nagisa. 'Let's ask Haru-chan!'

'NAGISA-KUN!' Rei ran out of the convenience store without bothering to hang up. Nagisa was standing by the doors, waving at him. 'What are you doing?!'

'I'm calling Haru-chan now! Ah, Mako-chan! Is Haru-chan there with you? Haru-chan! Rei wants to know if you can help him choose the perfect condom for him.'

Rei's hands were shaking when he took Nagisa's mobile. 'Hello? Haruka-senpai?'

He could hear Makoto's voice in the background, 'But isn't this something they should decide for themselves?'

'Haruka-senpai?'

'Choose the one that fits,' said Haruka. 

'That's not very helpful at all, Haru-chan.' Nagisa had squished his head next to Rei's so he can hear Haruka as well.

'Then go with what the water tells you.' 

'There's no body of water near this place, Haruka-senpai.' Unless one counted the pool at the Samezuka Academy, that is. And Rei very much doubted it would tell him anything, anyway.

There was a huffing sound from Haruka's end, and then Makoto was talking, 'I think you should go with what your heart tells you, is what he actually means.'

'Erm, thank you, Makoto-senpai.' After exchanging pleasantries with Makoto, Rei hang up. 'So what's the next big idea, Nagisa-kun?'

Nagisa frowned. 'Why don't we choose together, Rei-chan?'

Rei opened his mouth to say all the reasons why they shouldn't, all the reasons he'd already said half an hour ago when Nagisa wanted to accompany him to the convenience store. But he remembered what Makoto had said, and he nodded instead. 'Okay.'


End file.
